This right here

There seems to be a time
of day or night
when the noises fade
and you're left with just
silence.

Platitudes and wishes
rooted in traditions of
yesterday
or millennia past
long since

devoid of deity
usefulness
flavour
thrown in on occasion
to warm
but instead anger.

Grinding pressures
conflicted dreams
unrelenting demands
every angle
shadow
corner

glimmers fade
shimmers stop
skies darken
glances around
seeking some hope
of happiness
of fulfillment

One last bright spot
innocent
vibrant
loving
effervescent

Now distant and unseen
silent
without a word
just a symbol
alive
not speaking

agony for what
must be felt
thought
forever changed
inside her
being

Whatever could be
lived for
found meaning or
fulfillment in
now seems
lost.

The smile in the minds
of friends
of family
weighed for worth
against the price
paid for persistent
pain
too high
a cost.

This
right here
right now
is the point.

Deep breath
inhale
slowly let it
leak out.

Inner words
form the framework
of what
will keep me
alive.

Today
I drink
I choose
to stay.

Today
this pain
this silent birthday
will not define
me.

There will be more.
There will be love.
There will be joy.
There will be happiness.
There will be laughter.

This mantra I must repeat.
For I choose
to live
to define success
as another day
here
to be who I am
determined to be

The loving father
doting dad
fan
supporter
confidante
guide

I cannot be
all of these
today
But one day
I will
So today
I choose
to live.

My former friend

You have long been
a friend
a mentor
a comfort

Countless nights breathing
hot breath on my face
warming what remains
of my heart

You have long 
soothed
guided
enraged
bridged

This chasm between
man and monster
daddy and demon
what the fuck and 
the ledge

I have invited 
you often
have fought 
you often
fallen by your blow

I break open
once more
smashed
disemboweled 
on the floor

Temple on the tile
chest lurching
begging
demanding this
to end

I invite you now
bring it
more
all of it
now send

The weight of my dashed
dreams 
crushing me
gutting me
spineless

I wait
reeling
cringing
expecting
the madness

I open the cage
door swings
limp to 
impending
destruction

But asleep I fall
strange
no torrent
no rage
no explosion

Dear Darkness 
my old friend
empty
toothless
doom

You failed me
didn't come
only teased
only toyed 
with my gloom

So now 
you bore me 
So now 
I will use you
play you
watch you
evaporate

I have some time
left to linger
to laugh 
to love
to venerate

Someone else
something else
somewhere else
some other god
to revere

She knows not
our demon dance
my chambers
your presence
your cage

She will never hear
never feel
never know
never witness
your rage

She only sees
only feels
only knows
only loves
that I"m still
here

The Dull Ache

Sometimes I find it
reminded of passions
past

waiting
silent

cavern of cool walls
wet with rocks
of
tears

smell of
hidden springs
and thirst waiting
for
the taste

body trembles
hand waits
to
reach

skin tingles
with memory
in goose bumps

sensations in mind
body bare
to feel it
to live it
again

to touch
to quench
to stand
under
the tempting
trickle

lips part
nostrils flare
to inhale
to breathe in
this life
again

tongue aches
to taste
to lap in
the cold
intoxicating
icy
heaven

spine goes
rigid
eyes close
with dried up
tears

fists clench
toes curl
heart closes
its door
yet again

standing
in silent mist
watery needles
pierce my ears
to leave
only

the dull ache

What I believe in...

They search for 
meaning
I long for
inclusion

they reach out
seeking
to understand my 
seclusion

words used as
hooks
barbed by
memories

family 
and friends
offer vague
pleasantries

we all live
daily
connected and 
dreaming

some of a
heaven
this present
redeeming

others make
living
the greatest
achievement

no lingering
fear
of death or
estrangement

lines drawn 
in sand
ideas
beliefs
theories

hearts bound
by hand
traditions
faiths
memories

we all share
this time
together
this breath

our tables
our laughs
our moments
before death

this notion
of god
this absence
of deity

neither
removes
our whimsical
frailty

fill gaps of
the mind
fill depths of
the heart

the path we must
find
together
not apart

where faith
must
end

where beliefs
must
cease

where ideas
must
mend

where humanity
must
release

the grip on
the mind
the guilt of
the heart

shared values
to find
shared wisdom
impart

history to
show
our destiny
reveal

our resolve
to understand
our world
to heal

we go it 
alone
each moment
decide

reach out
hold back
encourage
deride

today I 
choose
to include
to love

all others
not like me
inspired
from above

each day
life is full
precious
fleeting

will you
love too
while your heart
is still 

beating?

 

The present creative fury...

So now the fury
held boiling
violent
rages

creative cum
builds
no release
assuages

all doors 
seen
unscalable
walls

confidence
optimism
sanity
falls

inner rage
blinding
much yet
unseen

felt
compressed
not believed

how can one find
the answer
the light
the door

gate keepers
deaf
blind
secure

decades of 
stories
feelings
no one 
to tell

paintings unseen 
beautiful
vivid curse
enchanting 
spell

turbulent creative 
heart
battles mind

ego sees
nothing but
pointless struggles
to find

all that is left
is juice
with no
chalice

compassion
rage
tears
malice

so much 
to give
such depth
to reveal

bangkok ladyboy
standing
embarassed
waiting

grown man
artist
unknown
hating

doors with no
knob
no opening
no handle

eyes that see 
nothing
no answer
no angle

public asleep
when 
awakened
demands
pablum

machine nods
yes
holds cup
to its
rectum.
 

The Darkness Dying to Die

My dying 
darkness
lies
waits
trying

To let go
to leave
to cease
its
crying

the mind
the soul
the heart
denying

the pain
the darknes
the sorrow
sighing

wishes
for life
unseen
unheard
unknown
unlived

the other side
I know not
could be
has yet
to give

one morsel
one taste
one breath
one beat

no hope
no love
no chance
no feat

now patient
I wait
to stop
this trial

to give
no more
no life
to denial

so slowly
this pace
lingers on
while I 
try

to let
despair
rest

to let
ego
die 
 

I choose to live

Feeling this
feeling
not running
away

still in this
moment
breathing
today

one life
too large
one moment
to live

fears to now
face
meaning to
give

past is now
gone
present to
choose

patterns of
mind
nothing to
lose

break from the
cycle
move
just one step

grateful for 
choices
free from
regret

open before me
to hell with 
the circles

I have my
own future
no reliance on
miracles

the comfort says
don't
you'll fail
you can't

the echoes 
my mantra
past life's
chant

dear friends
see
push
love
relate

feels like all
sit
watch
wonder
and wait

so here in this
moment
I choose
yet again

to fight
to love
to step
to win

Those Eyes...

Had wondered before that moment
how long it would take
now a sudden torrent
alive in its wake

eyes that stop gravity
my whole world now floating
thoughts rendered immobile
face not emoting

instantaneous shock
then all free to feel
your light that pours out
the heart eyes reveal

there you are finally
my lovely surprise 
heart
delighted

body now rushing
your face
eyes and smile
ignited

years in the making
notes
likes
birthday wishes

chance for the taking
smiles
hugs
but no kisses

all that one dreams
of a moment
in time

without warning
appears
no reason
nor rhyme

now there they are
eyes 
that have haunted
my thoughts
my dreams

so bright and alive
these dark
alluring
sun beams

looking up warmly
wide with 
heart
brimming

this moment eternal
the memory
never 
dimming

all I had wished
imagined
now able
to express

what to say
what to share
what to show
or repress

no nerves
no tension
no caution
to forego

all melted away
with those 
unforgettable eyes
and your sweet
"Hello". 

Perspective with purpose

Moments to wish for
touches
glances
breaths

feelings to overcome
lies
urges
tests

dare to be present
feeling
living
breathing

to yield thoughts
judgments
bitterness
seething

age lends perspective
obscures
visions
pursuits
of haste

reminds of mortality
grandeur
purpose
nobility
laid waste

time renders all
intentions
shown false

desires
fade quickly
windows
to walls

chances to dream
then live
in this
state

glances back
gazing
why
did I wait

the artist
the dreamer
the boy
the man

the painting
the vision
the frolic
the plan

today
they blend
finally
become one

not so many
days left
to have joy
fun

each moment
to live
so deeply
a father

a teller
a giver
a pillar
a lover

steps to take
fully
whole
complete

the dream
to now
live

appears
at my
feet.

Frown with a tear

Tonight was a 
new place
for this heart 
to end up

facetime chat with a 
precious face
overflows
my cup

games and play
contests 
ridiculous joy
laughing

just watch me
she shrieks
Daddy roars
clapping

she's learned now
to text
found icons
emojis

sent
hearts and kisses
ice cream
candies

as our time came
down
to the end of
our night

she sent me
three last ones
that burned
in my sight

unlikely she knows
her father ponders
every moment
he misses

the moments at good night
he yearns
for sweet hugs 
cuddles
and kisses

feeling this heart
now crushed
with a memory
so clear

seeing her
last three emojis

a pensive face
a sad face
a frown
with a tear

Who is this man
this person
under
it all

the essense
indellible
forever
eternal

under the artist
actor
writer
lover
friend

what does it mean
where does it go
this life
in
the end

who survives
remembers
tells
feels

what heart
lips
touch
reveals

screen gives
but
a timid
brief
glimpse

page tells
yet
turns
fades
slips

memories
conversations
laughs
warmth
all grow
quiet
still

crowd
drifts
flowers
fade
earth
settles
until

all that
remains
lives
breathes
forever

the life
the blood
the voice
the love

of a father.

Perish the periphery

Where you are
now
here
with me

breathless
awake
looking
to see

old dreams
present
alive
breathing

new flesh
vibrant
flushed
reaching

strong locks fall
hinges creak
doors swung open
treasures
we seek

warm winds
rush
soft light
touches
gentle lips
brush
my heart
gushes

trembling
we graze
inhaling
we meet
meshing
we clutch
loving
we treat

all our past dreams
still alive
in our hearts

as new present passions
entwined lives
to now start

radiant
ready
waiting
to fill

reticent
no longer
eager
to spill

lavish loves
laughs
lifetimes
of kisses

volumes
libraries
eternities
of blisses

one simple step
over
one single line 

two pasts to one
new destiny
define

two loving hands
holding
mine
yours

two tender hearts
melting
together
pours
 
into all that is 
us
as you are given
you see

my heart
my eyes
my kiss

all
of
me 

Memories yet to escape

Lives seen
lived

In the mind
heart

Treasures
pain
buried

Hopes
fears
remembered

Stories
wisdom
joys
tears
impart

Others work and play
buy and breathe
selling and chasing
circles of mundane
reprieve

Few remember and hold
every moment they feel
waiting and straining
holding it in
yet not reveal

Faces and touches
laughs and sobs
endless seconds
passage of time
never robs

Passion to give
lessons to share
my struggles and joys
motives
made aware

Memories linger
fresh as just
yesterday

Begging to live
anew and unquenchable
today

All that I have
lived
loved
mourned
kissed
despised

Remains at my fingertips
bursting to breathe
from my cavern
my cathedral
my playpen
comprised

of dreams
loves
faces
smiles

of holidays
family
successes
trials

Blessed curse
to have
haunting dreams
vivid scenes
litter

The present
future
mind
heart
soul

of this writer.

La Fin Du Monde

All alone
seeing nothing
but space

where did she go?

I do this
all the time
silly race

why did I throw

everything
all of me
too much
too soon

no restraint
no regard
no control
the moon

so it would seem
discomfort rules
judgment passed
makes one turn
away

I'm so different
no such rules
of my past
apply to me
today

hopeless romantic
stirred soul
passionate protector
restless one
wants

partner in crime
common goal
tender lover
elusive dream
taunts

happy and single
walking
alone

wishing still
chance
not blown

the dream will come
perhaps
tomorrow

hope lives tonight
La Fin Du Monde
drowning
sorrow

Somewhere is here, sometime is now...

When she thinks and asks
questions I cannot
answer

when she ponders,
desires something
I cannot
provide

heart sinks
mind falters
leaves me
empty

values clash
identities mix
priorities fight
war bursts
inside


suffering is futile
moves me nowhere
leaves me
perturbed

goals examined
future questioned
plans challenged
comfort disturbed

time to move
to adapt
to recognize
to prioritize
responsibility

values of love
relationship
fatherhood
stability

trump dreams
visions
fantasies
false identity

focus on future
shifts
eyes see
what she sees

what I want
who I want
to be

what she needs
who I am
presently

new path 
to walk
new choices
to make
new dreams
to hold
new chances
to take

I am
her father
I am
her guide
I am
her strength
I am
whole
inside

loved ones see
tears fall
freely

hearts express
pain and love
sincerely

heart reacts
mind scrambles
old patterns
spring into
place

I will not fail
I will succeed
make my
dreams
come alive

in her face

Heart waits

Why is it
her eyes see me
greater
purer
more honest
than I 
really am 

This view
not mine
central
to all
I was
all
I am
all
I will be

Why the content
to be
flawed
wasteful
wanton
wicked
when all
I want
is for her
to be 
the opposite

Where does the heart go
where is integrity lost
where is it found
when
how

Time blurs
thickens
slows
deadens
covers

Knowledge illuminates
quickens
awakens
stirs
reveals

Mind races
searches
wrestles
settles
soars

Heart
waits

Bob Bennett 
sang it
best:

I am a man
in a world
full of men
just like me

With a heart
full of questions
and answers

That seem
to be
somewhat connected

And a mind 
full of
preconceived notions

That manage
to get
in the way

And I 
find myself
longing
to return

Back to 
the place
where I 
started

Back when
I knew
next to
nothing

Back to
the heart

Back to 
the heart

Of the matter

To the heart 
of 
the matter.


 





 
 

The Next 40 Years

Long look at the image
tall, not yet stooped
dark, not yet grey
lined, yet no wrinkles

Smile is softer
eyes never brighter
hands now gentler
from fewer scuffles

This man I see
comfortable
strong
secure

The boy in me
grown up
wise
mature

Pushes forward
digs deeper
looks beyond
reaches further
still

Exercising mind
body
spirit
emotion
will

Halfway gone
halfway grown
halfway spent
halfway filled

Much to learn
much to see
much to hear
much to build

Battles fought
lessons learned
demons abandoned
suffering done

What to chase
when to turn
where to go
how far to run

Love that I seek
that I give
that I cherish
that I hold

To myself
my family
my friends
truth be told

Will guide my steps
my choices
my thoughts
my future
my present state

I will not deny
abandon
withdraw
diminish
hesitate

All that I am
that I have
that I know
that I can be

Unleashed
with vigor
directed
with wisdom
filled
with love

The next 40 years
wait and see...

Now it begins.

tonight i sit
not feeling
yet waxing
poetic

looking at where i am
should be 
but not
feeling pathetic

days gone
moments lost
dreams all
but tossed

this i now
OWN


choices i have
made
decisions
plans
goals
stayed


no more losing
done
no more choosing
comfort
fun


my plan will be
firm
unwavering


my goals will be
clear
maintaining


my steps will be
direct
never straying


my hand will be
strong
reshaping


all that was
lost
all it has
cost



to my own self
i will
finally
be true

What I see, in her and me...

Here I am
just me
wanting to feel

Who is at my heart
who is hidden
who is real

What has yet to breathe
feel
live

What can I do
reveal
give

Strength lies
deep
soul remains
private
dreams seem
distant
heart stays
bound 

Why the fear
much to gain
what holds sway
nothing to lose
what blinds
so much to see
what limits
freedom found

Faith long dead
belief has ceased
still, wonder remains
bursting
yet to be released

Her eyes see me
my deepest me
she sees
and I am truly free

There lies God
in her smile
there divinity is felt
in her embrace
there angels giggle
in her voice
there I am whole
in her face

I want to
truly live
as I see her
limitless
truly feel
as I witness her
fearless

Unbound joy
unfathomed mystery
unrelenting faith
undying love

I am
unrealized
I live
unknown
I step
unsure
I struggle
unseen

Why do I live
shallow
when I see
depth
why do I choose
enslavement
when I crave
freedom
why do I feel 
small
when I dream
huge

pathetic
sorrow
narrow
sights
unforgiving
heart
fragile
self

Breathe
feel
ponder
see

What is feel from her
I gave her 
what I see in her
is me

what lives in her

is mine
what she has yet to live
so have I to be

All of who I am 
all of who I will be
all of what will be
limitless
boundless
guileless
free

Such
I see in her
and now me
God
in the eyes
through the eyes
of my dear
Sophie

I am
beyond worth
unique
from birth
bottomless
treasure
limitless
future


Value
my diety
embrace
my mystery
unleash
my creativity
immortalize
my humanity

As there will forever be
only ever
one
only one
me

Sweet Jesus please...

Time to 
ponder
contemplate
crying

dreams 
of yesterday
distant
dying

home
lover
destiny
dog
vision
empty

Heart
guts
mind
of man
I am
will be

unknown
now
unfulfilled
how

who
to be
man
they see
inner
me

fog
my ache
din
my stake
step
to take
future
to make

can't
won't
mustn't
don't

then?

can 
will
must
do

when?

please
see
hear
feel
anything

be 
alive
choose
to live
to do
something

fight
wage
survive
to see

who i
will be
what i
will see

future
dreams
present
reality