Somewhere is here, sometime is now...

When she thinks and asks
questions I cannot
answer

when she ponders,
desires something
I cannot
provide

heart sinks
mind falters
leaves me
empty

values clash
identities mix
priorities fight
war bursts
inside


suffering is futile
moves me nowhere
leaves me
perturbed

goals examined
future questioned
plans challenged
comfort disturbed

time to move
to adapt
to recognize
to prioritize
responsibility

values of love
relationship
fatherhood
stability

trump dreams
visions
fantasies
false identity

focus on future
shifts
eyes see
what she sees

what I want
who I want
to be

what she needs
who I am
presently

new path 
to walk
new choices
to make
new dreams
to hold
new chances
to take

I am
her father
I am
her guide
I am
her strength
I am
whole
inside

loved ones see
tears fall
freely

hearts express
pain and love
sincerely

heart reacts
mind scrambles
old patterns
spring into
place

I will not fail
I will succeed
make my
dreams
come alive

in her face

Heart waits

Why is it
her eyes see me
greater
purer
more honest
than I 
really am 

This view
not mine
central
to all
I was
all
I am
all
I will be

Why the content
to be
flawed
wasteful
wanton
wicked
when all
I want
is for her
to be 
the opposite

Where does the heart go
where is integrity lost
where is it found
when
how

Time blurs
thickens
slows
deadens
covers

Knowledge illuminates
quickens
awakens
stirs
reveals

Mind races
searches
wrestles
settles
soars

Heart
waits

Bob Bennett 
sang it
best:

I am a man
in a world
full of men
just like me

With a heart
full of questions
and answers

That seem
to be
somewhat connected

And a mind 
full of
preconceived notions

That manage
to get
in the way

And I 
find myself
longing
to return

Back to 
the place
where I 
started

Back when
I knew
next to
nothing

Back to
the heart

Back to 
the heart

Of the matter

To the heart 
of 
the matter.


 





 
 

The Next 40 Years

Long look at the image
tall, not yet stooped
dark, not yet grey
lined, yet no wrinkles

Smile is softer
eyes never brighter
hands now gentler
from fewer scuffles

This man I see
comfortable
strong
secure

The boy in me
grown up
wise
mature

Pushes forward
digs deeper
looks beyond
reaches further
still

Exercising mind
body
spirit
emotion
will

Halfway gone
halfway grown
halfway spent
halfway filled

Much to learn
much to see
much to hear
much to build

Battles fought
lessons learned
demons abandoned
suffering done

What to chase
when to turn
where to go
how far to run

Love that I seek
that I give
that I cherish
that I hold

To myself
my family
my friends
truth be told

Will guide my steps
my choices
my thoughts
my future
my present state

I will not deny
abandon
withdraw
diminish
hesitate

All that I am
that I have
that I know
that I can be

Unleashed
with vigor
directed
with wisdom
filled
with love

The next 40 years
wait and see...

Now it begins.

tonight i sit
not feeling
yet waxing
poetic

looking at where i am
should be 
but not
feeling pathetic

days gone
moments lost
dreams all
but tossed

this i now
OWN


choices i have
made
decisions
plans
goals
stayed


no more losing
done
no more choosing
comfort
fun


my plan will be
firm
unwavering


my goals will be
clear
maintaining


my steps will be
direct
never straying


my hand will be
strong
reshaping


all that was
lost
all it has
cost



to my own self
i will
finally
be true

What I see, in her and me...

Here I am
just me
wanting to feel

Who is at my heart
who is hidden
who is real

What has yet to breathe
feel
live

What can I do
reveal
give

Strength lies
deep
soul remains
private
dreams seem
distant
heart stays
bound 

Why the fear
much to gain
what holds sway
nothing to lose
what blinds
so much to see
what limits
freedom found

Faith long dead
belief has ceased
still, wonder remains
bursting
yet to be released

Her eyes see me
my deepest me
she sees
and I am truly free

There lies God
in her smile
there divinity is felt
in her embrace
there angels giggle
in her voice
there I am whole
in her face

I want to
truly live
as I see her
limitless
truly feel
as I witness her
fearless

Unbound joy
unfathomed mystery
unrelenting faith
undying love

I am
unrealized
I live
unknown
I step
unsure
I struggle
unseen

Why do I live
shallow
when I see
depth
why do I choose
enslavement
when I crave
freedom
why do I feel 
small
when I dream
huge

pathetic
sorrow
narrow
sights
unforgiving
heart
fragile
self

Breathe
feel
ponder
see

What is feel from her
I gave her 
what I see in her
is me

what lives in her

is mine
what she has yet to live
so have I to be

All of who I am 
all of who I will be
all of what will be
limitless
boundless
guileless
free

Such
I see in her
and now me
God
in the eyes
through the eyes
of my dear
Sophie

I am
beyond worth
unique
from birth
bottomless
treasure
limitless
future


Value
my diety
embrace
my mystery
unleash
my creativity
immortalize
my humanity

As there will forever be
only ever
one
only one
me

Sweet Jesus please...

Time to 
ponder
contemplate
crying

dreams 
of yesterday
distant
dying

home
lover
destiny
dog
vision
empty

Heart
guts
mind
of man
I am
will be

unknown
now
unfulfilled
how

who
to be
man
they see
inner
me

fog
my ache
din
my stake
step
to take
future
to make

can't
won't
mustn't
don't

then?

can 
will
must
do

when?

please
see
hear
feel
anything

be 
alive
choose
to live
to do
something

fight
wage
survive
to see

who i
will be
what i
will see

future
dreams
present
reality





 

Quiet night in my mind

Tranquil skytrain serenade
slow breaths 
escaping chest


empty thoughts
tracing steps
what is best


life is set up
for a purpose
mine
alone


why do i do this
that
when 
where


what have i covered
shied from
run from
resisted


what in me
do i hide
from everyone
from myself


this meticulous life
so controlled
so nuanced
so deliberate


what seems too much
too hard
too close
too far away


what do i want
what do i fear
what


discomfort fleeting
peace remains
serenity beckons
the heart lies
still


no urge to fight
no grip to break
no past to forget
nothing


one simple task
one me to be
one step to take
now


remember this peace
remember this love
remember this quiet
joy

Facing the discomfort...

what is this space
formerly so full
presently so
so
empty

reasons to move
to fight
to stop
to hide

motives to love
to defend
to search
to reside

values so strange
so flacid
so futile
so mine

where do i stand
what is under my feet
what moves me now
why

who am i
why am i
myself
don't
cry

new place
not safe
brave face

questions to ask
answers to find
monumental task

hearing her voice
she says
it is your choice

would have been
her birthday
tearful grin

discomfort felt
inside so quiet
trophies melt

what is this

discomfort
trembling
strangeness

discoveries unseen
strength remains
within this

beautiful
mess

Big door

Trembling
inching
tiny feet
in big shoes

Seeing
reaching
big hand
moves

Door knob
turns 
slowly

Wee man
pushes
gently

Old boy
nervous
alone

Years
lived
unknown

Awakening
eyes rubbing

Inhaling
body stretching

So young
so old

Much lived
much told

Scared
to see

Wanting
to be

Push open 
the door

Gaze leaves
the floor

Soon

finally

Grown
understood
known

free

Deepest and darkest

Who are you
what do you look like

I feel you around me
your push on my back
pulling my hands

Shielding my eyes
turning my head

Covering my ears
my mouth

You drive me in the rain
goad me in the sun
march me in the snow
halt me in the dark


Yet I have never seen you
looked at you in the face


Mystery that makes me mysterious
darkness that keeps me brooding
alone


Here I am 
daring you


Show your face


You are me
hidden self

Frightened boy
shy son
lonely man


Meet me
come to me
let me
hold you


All I want
is to understand
fully
deeply


All your pain
the hidden 
fear


So
show
your face
your heart
your mind


Let me
ease
your pain
release 
your chains


Here I am
now


I am here
for you
for me


Let you 
and I 
be 
free

Shared Silly Faces

Snap, giggle
"Let me see!"

Heads shaking
faces of glee

Pretty Princess
almost not 3

Proud Daddy
always me

Now alone sitting
wondering
hoping

Faces will change
expressions will too
growing


You have
hold
are
so much
knowing


I want
need
have 
so much
blessing


You are my life
my spark
my joy
my heart


I am your One
your Only
Daddy
your Chart


You will measure me
challenge
test
love


I will protect
hold
support
love 

Your identity
charm
zest
mirth


My life
purpose
all began
at your birth

Your days
moments
years
joys


My greatest hope
wildest dream
deepest fulfillment
employs


Such silly faces
long tender hugs
laughter 
pleas


Such hallowed places
so sacred inside
memories
freeze

Your faces are mine
I cannot undo
every burst inside
at each thought of you


I watch you and marvel
my treasure who wiggles
to think of you grown
still full of giggles


You are my One
my Bear
my Princess


I am your Clown
your Daddy
your recess


So let's mark these moments
I will
no bother

You just be yourself
I'll just be


Your Father

In the Clearing...

Morning mists rise
from dewey grass
wet and long

warm breaths seen
vanish slowly
exhales prolong

stillness of reality
crisp serenity
refreshed

vision clear
from forest of fear
unmeshed

sun meets my face
warms
beckons

mind moves slowly
ponders
reckons

where to step
when
how

choices to make
later
now

eyes wide open
survey

path to follow
part to play

heart so free
feelings betray

my core joy

deepest ploy

walk of this boy

begins anew

Today

Who are you?

I've known where you've been
then felt your absence
such pain

I've seen what you do
heard the stories
so plain

I've looked for you
longed for you
that still remains

Still you're unknown
Unidentified
that is unchanged

So I think
I feel
I dig
for what is real

Your face
your heart
your essence
your appeal

Forget your effects
your touch
your influence
your objects

Your causes
your stories
your flavours
your losses

I don't know you
can't identify you
can't articulate
Who you are

I have felt you
have heard about you
from everyone
near and far

Now you I will know
will dig til I find
everything
that you are

See where you've been
what you've done
how you've created
this scar

Love, so elusive
my stranger
my killer
my thief

I must understand
who you are
truly
deeply
so to find

Relief

Sounds of Silence...

Just my breath

Heartbeat

Voiceless mind

Retreat

Emptiness

Fullness

Meet

Wilderness

without wildness

Calmness

without chaos

Witness

without wanting

Stillness

without suffering

Blue Valentine

palpable pain

excruciating strain

for the first time

theirs alone

not mine

Silent scene

resounds

Strangely serene

sounds

of silence

End of Rage...

there I go
again

alone
raging

alone

slow
innocent
pokes

heart
secret
tender

sacred
secret
sensitive

open
slamming
shut

cover
hide
retreat

there I go
again

alone


hopeless
hating
hard

if you knew
if I knew
why

left alone
baby boy
cries

man walking
boy crying
hope dying
friends prying
trying

reason
absent
inner
torment
feelings
ferment
rage
will not
relent

please
squeeze
freeze

unwind
unbind
intertwined

knots
clots
blind
spots

time
peace
thoughts
cease
emotions
release

stop
open
heal
the broken
hope
unspoken

piece
by piece
thought
by thought
suffering
meaning
connection
sought

gentle
friends
moments
spend
hearts
minds
blend
rage
will end

here I am

not

alone

Your face...

sitting still

mother's lap
absorbing

songs
dances
wonder
instilling

face
so precious
awe
inspiring

soon
will be
four

time
gone
more

hearts
mine
yours

so far away
so close inside

how long can i stay
my mind beside

myself to watch
you grow and hide

secrets of days
moments without

touches
smiles
your precious pout

my heart is rending
my face is drenched

my ache unending
my thirst never quenched

my little Bear
my only One

my joy
my life
my secret Sun

one day we'll be
so near to touch

live every moment
share so much

for now I hear
watch from
afar

one day
I promise
I will be

where you are

So there I am...

mirror shows

eyes see
heart feels
scars

wounds of time
torment
treasures
tears

lines
curves
lumps
hints of grey

all that has been endured
absorbed
buried
hidden

now to these eyes
apparent
vivid
awed

sorry
thank you
forgive me

time to restore
rebuild
refresh

my faded fortress of flesh

Alone

Trembling
Alone
Heart wide open
No one's home

Reaching
Just air
Face to cry
No one's there

Wanting
Anything
Arms around
Nothing

Eyes
Closing
Head
Dropping
Mind
Failing
Heart
Falling

Desire to feel
Wanted
Long to touch
Haunted
Hope to love
Taunted
Dream to escape
Knotted

So
Unutterably
Alone

Mind of motion

So whimsical
Flippant

Careless
Stroll

Being angel
Demon
Child
Troll

So haunting
Euphoric
Despondent
Soul

Feeling deep water
Raging fire
Numbing ice
Bottomless hole

Facets
Layers
Pieces
Seemingly unconnected

Thoughts
Values
Beliefs
Held so close, rejected

Seconds
Minutes
Hours
Days collected

Weeks
Months
Years
Life reflected

Questions
Dreams
Regrets
Endless gratitude

Darkness
Joy
Psychosis
My recent mood

Fragile
Exuberant
Precious
Sometimes rude

Moving
Decisive
Unrelenting
Mind unglued

So many goals
Desires
Dreams
Destiny unfulfilled

So many choices
Steps
Turns
Sweat to be spilled

Inward smile
Sigh
Gleam
Heart enormously filled

My bright future
My dear daughter
My open world
My life to rebuild

I am the mover
I am the guide
I am the father
I am the tide

It is my love to find
It is my love to hold
It is my heart to unwind
It is my heart to unfold

Everything that I am
All the hidden parts
Finally seeing daylight, sunshine
Today my future starts

Former lovers, friends, family
Guardians of my past
Bear witness to my dream of dreams
My legacy that will last

She is the one
For whom this counts
The one whose eyes
I see

I truly live
So fully breathed
So vibrant and full
So very
Truly
Me

Holding on by a thread...

It weaves it tiny way though
Soul, body, and mind
Meandering around and then into
Places the eye cannot find

Pulling, binding, holding
Irreverent to all that it meets
Without regard to present toil
So stubborn, it never retreats

The singular thought
The one guiding notion
The dream of the heartest of hearts
So tightly it holds
So desperate to stay
So conscious of all of its parts

This only lonely thread
The one constant pain
Reminding of all still bereft
What holds me together
This tortured thin vine
Seems now to be all I have left

So to this I hold
This deepest of ties
My only connection thereto
My dearest young treasure
Her unbridled future
My soul
My body
My mind
Stay true