Dead yet alive

You glide
with the breeze
then sit still
so dead

Vibrant orange 

and yellow

alive

in my head

You whisk

across concrete

then stop

down the block

Your brothers

and sisters

amass

on the walk

How can something

once living

now awaiting

decay

Bring pleasure

so lovely

so vivid

in display

This carcass

still moving

alive

to the eye

Feels empty

so vacant

with longing

to soon die

Long strides 

down the alley

slowed pace

heavy steps

With memories 

of life

of thrills

of regrets

To others

such presence

with poise

belies

Not one to be 

messed with

yet kind

in the eyes

The leaf that I see

I know what 

your death

holds

That last chance 

to dazzle

to reveal

natures gold

So know that 

I see you

I love what

you give

Your best show

your last show

your reminder

to still live.

This right here

There seems to be a time
of day or night
when the noises fade
and you're left with just
silence.

Platitudes and wishes
rooted in traditions of
yesterday
or millennia past
long since

devoid of deity
usefulness
flavour
thrown in on occasion
to warm
but instead anger.

Grinding pressures
conflicted dreams
unrelenting demands
every angle
shadow
corner

glimmers fade
shimmers stop
skies darken
glances around
seeking some hope
of happiness
of fulfillment

One last bright spot
innocent
vibrant
loving
effervescent

Now distant and unseen
silent
without a word
just a symbol
alive
not speaking

agony for what
must be felt
thought
forever changed
inside her
being

Whatever could be
lived for
found meaning or
fulfillment in
now seems
lost.

The smile in the minds
of friends
of family
weighed for worth
against the price
paid for persistent
pain
too high
a cost.

This
right here
right now
is the point.

Deep breath
inhale
slowly let it
leak out.

Inner words
form the framework
of what
will keep me
alive.

Today
I drink
I choose
to stay.

Today
this pain
this silent birthday
will not define
me.

There will be more.
There will be love.
There will be joy.
There will be happiness.
There will be laughter.

This mantra I must repeat.
For I choose
to live
to define success
as another day
here
to be who I am
determined to be

The loving father
doting dad
fan
supporter
confidante
guide

I cannot be
all of these
today
But one day
I will
So today
I choose
to live.

My former friend

You have long been
a friend
a mentor
a comfort

Countless nights breathing
hot breath on my face
warming what remains
of my heart

You have long 
soothed
guided
enraged
bridged

This chasm between
man and monster
daddy and demon
what the fuck and 
the ledge

I have invited 
you often
have fought 
you often
fallen by your blow

I break open
once more
smashed
disemboweled 
on the floor

Temple on the tile
chest lurching
begging
demanding this
to end

I invite you now
bring it
more
all of it
now send

The weight of my dashed
dreams 
crushing me
gutting me
spineless

I wait
reeling
cringing
expecting
the madness

I open the cage
door swings
limp to 
impending
destruction

But asleep I fall
strange
no torrent
no rage
no explosion

Dear Darkness 
my old friend
empty
toothless
doom

You failed me
didn't come
only teased
only toyed 
with my gloom

So now 
you bore me 
So now 
I will use you
play you
watch you
evaporate

I have some time
left to linger
to laugh 
to love
to venerate

Someone else
something else
somewhere else
some other god
to revere

She knows not
our demon dance
my chambers
your presence
your cage

She will never hear
never feel
never know
never witness
your rage

She only sees
only feels
only knows
only loves
that I"m still
here

The Dull Ache

Sometimes I find it
reminded of passions
past

waiting
silent

cavern of cool walls
wet with rocks
of
tears

smell of
hidden springs
and thirst waiting
for
the taste

body trembles
hand waits
to
reach

skin tingles
with memory
in goose bumps

sensations in mind
body bare
to feel it
to live it
again

to touch
to quench
to stand
under
the tempting
trickle

lips part
nostrils flare
to inhale
to breathe in
this life
again

tongue aches
to taste
to lap in
the cold
intoxicating
icy
heaven

spine goes
rigid
eyes close
with dried up
tears

fists clench
toes curl
heart closes
its door
yet again

standing
in silent mist
watery needles
pierce my ears
to leave
only

the dull ache

What I believe in...

They search for 
meaning
I long for
inclusion

they reach out
seeking
to understand my 
seclusion

words used as
hooks
barbed by
memories

family 
and friends
offer vague
pleasantries

we all live
daily
connected and 
dreaming

some of a
heaven
this present
redeeming

others make
living
the greatest
achievement

no lingering
fear
of death or
estrangement

lines drawn 
in sand
ideas
beliefs
theories

hearts bound
by hand
traditions
faiths
memories

we all share
this time
together
this breath

our tables
our laughs
our moments
before death

this notion
of god
this absence
of deity

neither
removes
our whimsical
frailty

fill gaps of
the mind
fill depths of
the heart

the path we must
find
together
not apart

where faith
must
end

where beliefs
must
cease

where ideas
must
mend

where humanity
must
release

the grip on
the mind
the guilt of
the heart

shared values
to find
shared wisdom
impart

history to
show
our destiny
reveal

our resolve
to understand
our world
to heal

we go it 
alone
each moment
decide

reach out
hold back
encourage
deride

today I 
choose
to include
to love

all others
not like me
inspired
from above

each day
life is full
precious
fleeting

will you
love too
while your heart
is still 

beating?

 

The present creative fury...

So now the fury
held boiling
violent
rages

creative cum
builds
no release
assuages

all doors 
seen
unscalable
walls

confidence
optimism
sanity
falls

inner rage
blinding
much yet
unseen

felt
compressed
not believed

how can one find
the answer
the light
the door

gate keepers
deaf
blind
secure

decades of 
stories
feelings
no one 
to tell

paintings unseen 
beautiful
vivid curse
enchanting 
spell

turbulent creative 
heart
battles mind

ego sees
nothing but
pointless struggles
to find

all that is left
is juice
with no
chalice

compassion
rage
tears
malice

so much 
to give
such depth
to reveal

bangkok ladyboy
standing
embarassed
waiting

grown man
artist
unknown
hating

doors with no
knob
no opening
no handle

eyes that see 
nothing
no answer
no angle

public asleep
when 
awakened
demands
pablum

machine nods
yes
holds cup
to its
rectum.
 

The Darkness Dying to Die

My dying 
darkness
lies
waits
trying

To let go
to leave
to cease
its
crying

the mind
the soul
the heart
denying

the pain
the darknes
the sorrow
sighing

wishes
for life
unseen
unheard
unknown
unlived

the other side
I know not
could be
has yet
to give

one morsel
one taste
one breath
one beat

no hope
no love
no chance
no feat

now patient
I wait
to stop
this trial

to give
no more
no life
to denial

so slowly
this pace
lingers on
while I 
try

to let
despair
rest

to let
ego
die